The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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