He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
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