Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
