My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
