i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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