My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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