This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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