It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
