So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
