Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
