Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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