Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
