I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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