Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
