The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
