I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
