I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
