god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Soap is not a condiment
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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