so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
