Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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