Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
