Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
