My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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