Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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