You really coming over, don't trick.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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