he thought i was a dude.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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