you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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