you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
