Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
