God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Someone signed my nipple.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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