If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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