He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize