So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
