We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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