i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
