My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
