My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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