Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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