A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
