I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
