I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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