On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
