Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I love you. Go after that dick
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
