i just sold back the books i vomitted on
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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