I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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