I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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