yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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