swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
