a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
