Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
