OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
