What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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